8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
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Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Lmao
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet