“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
You Might Also Like
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”