Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
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[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training