I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
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puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??