*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
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[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”