I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.