My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.