wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Meow
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.