“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
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spicy snake
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.