Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
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How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.