ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
This meal prepping shit easy
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON