i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
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If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill