HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Muppet Screams
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Never forget.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
*limbos away from your hug*
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches