Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
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I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.