Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
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[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit