I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
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bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!