If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
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I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*