Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
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Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
he’s doing your taxes
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.