I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
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Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
how to have fun when you’re poor
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.