I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
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A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand