[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
You Might Also Like
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.