Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
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My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Don’t snitch tag.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.