God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
You Might Also Like
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.