Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
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But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.