My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
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Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once