me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
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At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack