Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.