Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
You Might Also Like
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”