ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
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I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
This dude got his own movie?
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting