Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
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Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
*cough*
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?