I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
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I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I am also baked goods
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.