I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
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Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill