*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
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Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Zack Greinke stories are the best
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?