“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
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The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.