If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
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I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I just ran a .003048K
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
A great tip. #CakeRex
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom