My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
classic mixup
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
“That’s what” – She
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs