Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
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Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there