Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
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*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.