someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever