Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
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Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
That’s no pocket rocket.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire