Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
calling in to work dehydrated
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though