Leaving the Barbers like
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity