Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
You Might Also Like
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
started wrapping my pills in cheese
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that