Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
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Sorry. Not sorry
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.