“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
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There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store