“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
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secret recipe
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Cinematography is my passion
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe