i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
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It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
wtf management?!
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
mechanics be like
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
With this onion ring, I thee fed
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no