My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
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Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”