If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
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Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch