So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
You Might Also Like
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.